It's hard for me to begin things of this tone... I feel abandoned. I wonder things that I fear I've wondered before and my mind constantly dead ends at you these days. Every time I truly fall in love, I lose it. Maybe it's God trying to turn me to things not of this world. It hurts... and it makes me turn from Him. It's my human nature.

He's in the back of my mind always. The wound in my chest has been opened again. I'm being pulled around like I'm attached to a rope. I feel like I don't know him anymore. I thrust myself on that knife every time I look at pictures of him or start the reel of memories in my head. I don't know how to fix any of this, and I'm not sure that I can. I fear things will remain unresolved for too long. I fear losing him forever.

He loves me... I think. I'll never know for sure. I feel like if he truly loved me, all he would want is to spend as much time with me as he can, but he doesn't. He says he can't handle being away from me, but he can't handle being with me either. It hurts to much, he says. With me leaving, things have turned sour... I don't want the heart in my chest to be gouged out again, and yet I'm setting myself up for disaster unconsciously.

How can something so good fade like a bruise... I need the pure, true love. Like water. All maroon. Viscous... Beautiful.

What have I done?